Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
