im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
