I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
