you traded sex for a burrito?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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