Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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