Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
