I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
