girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
