i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
