I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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