hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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