i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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