i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
