rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
