I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
