note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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