literally had 100 drinks last night.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
