And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
