I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The police scanner is talking about you again....
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
