I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
