I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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