Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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