We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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