I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
