Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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