I can tuck mytits in my pants
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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