I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
