my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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