I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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