it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
they need to just BURY HIM!
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
