oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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