Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
did i just pee glitter
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