I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
