So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
