I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
