Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
