No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
