I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
