Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
