just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
