after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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