I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
