If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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