1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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