just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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