the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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