my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
