I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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