it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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