I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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