They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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