One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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