Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I think my vagina is haunted
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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