How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
