Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
