I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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