I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
