Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
