How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
