She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
