At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
