Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
