I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
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