i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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