Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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