FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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