conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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