I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
