I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
