I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
